Daycare Dread

The time has come. The 7-letter word that I have been dreading, daycare. Leo started last week and I have been surprisingly calm since. At the beginning I kept joking with everyone that I was just squashing my emotions down. Every day I drop him off and he cries his cute little head off. I’m talking that “silent, I can’t breathe” type crying. It is rough. So very rough. Yet I just walk out, take a deep breath and keep going. Sure I feel awful, but a switch goes off and I just keep going. I tend to do this thing where I get super strong when someone around me is feeling weak. I guess that’s what I’m doing for Leo. This week however the squashing has caught up to me. He is still crying at drop off, and although I have even heard him stop before I’m around the corner, it’s starting to wear on me. This week I’m fighting back tears and trying to hold it all together while I miss this sweet face all day.

Beyond Adorable.

toddler daycare

Sweet right?

I feel like my world, and more importantly, his world is completely changing. To be fair, it is. Leo has only known staying with Mom and Dad since the day he was born so I can’t imagine what it feels like for him. The educators tell me he is doing wonderful and that he loves playing with the other kids. Apparently he was going around hugging all his friends last week! I mean come on, that is too adorable. I’m sad I missed it, but that’s not what I’m surprised by, he has always been pretty social. For me the most shocking of all daycare news is that he has started napping there! What kind of voodoo are these daycare workers doing in there? I mean Leo sleeping in a crib is pretty much a miracle. We co sleep and he has only ever gone to sleep after nursing so I’m super impressed with him. I guess that’s why I’m starting to break. He doesn’t need me to be as strong now that he’s adapting well, so it’s my turn to feel the shift. I’m missing my best little friend. I’m a little lost. I took a yoga class last week and it felt both weird and wonderful at the same time. This new free time Jess is in a weird limbo…

Oh and in case all the daycare drama wasn’t enough for you let’s top if off with the fact that I start a new job next week! The amount of pressure I’m feeling is just ridiculous. Oh, and the guilt! You can never forget about the guilt. I keep reading that once you become a mom the guilt is ever present, and yep, it’s the truth. I could go on forever about all the things I feel guilty about. Sending Leo to daycare, going back to work, not going back to my old position, picking up take out instead of cooking dinner, not staying up late enough to hang with Marc because I’m so drained by 10pm that I can’t keep my eyes open, switching to disposable diapers at daycare after only 1 week cause I can’t keep up with the laundry, and so on. It’s a weird mix of excitement, fear, guilt, and pride. I think many transitional periods feel like this. Nevertheless it’s a bit exhausting. Speaking of, here is Leo on the bus ride home after his first day at daycare…

sleepy baby

My friends keep telling me that a new sort of normal sets in once you go back to work, and I can’t help but worry about that too. I’m sad to think that my new normal will be seeing Leo for only 2-3 hours 5 days a week. I can’t get past the fact that he will be spending more time with his educators than with his family. It’s a sad thought. At the same time I wonder how I will transition back into working Jess. I’m not the same person I was a year and a half ago. My priorities have shifted immensely and I feel different in more personal ways as well. I’m a bit more raw than I was before. I feel like a stronger, more powerful version of myself but at the same time a softer, more vulnerable me. What a weird dichotomy, but I can’t help but feel it’s the most truthful way to explain this new me. I plan to enter this new job and new phase of working mom status with optimism despite my worries. I know so many dope, run the world type professional moms, so I know it’s possible to be both. It’s just a matter of finding my own balance. So as I move forward I’m gonna keep Zen Jess around. I’m going to try and let go of some of the guilt and trust that Marc and I can be kick ass professionals and raise a cool human at the same time. I read a great quote the other day that Google tells me is from Deepak Chopra but you never know these days…

I’m living by this sentiment right now and accepting the chaos as a precursor to some really kickass stuff.

All great change is preceded by chaos

2018-09-17T17:15:06+00:00

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